Crushing…………… Crushed??!

On valentine’s day I shared a story about a guy that evoked inexplicable emotions in me even after not seeing him for 16 years.  I placed no expectations on our reconnection, after all it’s been sixteen years and we weren’t in an intimate relationship before, to tell the truth we were more like acquaintances.  Yet, I can’t deny the excitement (butterflies) I felt each time we spoke or saw each other. It has been seven months and I think we’ve reached a plateau or possibly a down slope.  The butterflies are less both in number and activity.  Earlier when we reconnected  I would look forward to seeing and speaking to him, that feeling has waned. Again, the feelings are inexplicable. Don’t get me wrong, he has no major faults or turn-offs that I know of, we have discussions about politics, religion, sex almost anything.  The chemistry (maybe imaginary) has simply disappeared.

 

Lately, I’ve been wandering if the reconnection was worth it.  Would I have been better enjoying the feelings I had for him over the years I hadn’t seen or spoken to him?  I really enjoyed those feelings although I’m not sure why they existed.  Now those feelings have been replaced by ……… reality.  I guess the feelings before our reconnection were created or developed by something in my sub-conscious, they have now been replaced by what is real.  I’m not sure what will happen next, but I assume we’ll eventually lose touch again, unless something spectacular happens.  I wonder if once the contact has been broken if the original feelings will return….. will I have back my butterflies.

I feel like…..

…… I am missing something.  Since this past Saturday morning I feel like something is happening around me that wants my attention but I’m floating above it. 

Like I’m standing on a crack in the sidewalk that keeps getting wider but I keep on going……..

Like there are shots being fired around me, I’m not hurt and I keep on going…….

Like the rain is pelting the earth, I have no umbrella yet I am dry and I keep on going……

Like there is someone with a gun pointed at my head, threatening my life but I keep on going…….

Like there is a certain vulgar, loud mouth storyteller invading my inbox-> junk mail and I keep on going……….

Have a great week

What goes through your mind?

A few months ago I became inexplicably obsessed with my pillows, wandering when was the last time they were cleaned. First I placed them in the sun for an entire day but my mind wasn’t at rest. So I threw them in the washing machine with a respectable amount of bleach to combat the unseen gunk, germs and creepy crawlies I imagined lived within the pillows. When I shared my concern with a friend she quickly pointed out that I, and everyone else, slept with thousands of dust mites and for the rest of the day I was in a neurotic frenzy trying to figure out how to rid my bed of dust mites. By bed time it was all forgotten and I had a good night’s rest.

I often have those moments where thoughts of germs and unknown and uncontrollable cleanliness issues plague my mind:

1. There was the period when I wouldn’t go into a pool or the water at the beach because I kept thinking everyone in it was comfortably relieving their bladders as the need arose.
2. I went through the period of swabbing restaurant utensils with alcohol swabs because I was thinking thousands of people have inserted these same utensils in their mouths. Some with cavities, gingivitis, canker sores etc. I conveniently did not factor in the washing of the utensils, hopefully, in hot soapy water.
3. It didn’t matter if it was a room at Motel 6 or at the Bellagio, during a period of heavy work related travel I began travelling with my own sheet sets, towels and pillows.
4. Everyone takes precautions in public restrooms. It was again while travelling for work that I developed a system I was certain was absolutely germ proof. Once I entered the public restroom I would grab a paper towel (or use my own handy wipes) to protect my hands as I opened, entered and closed the bathroom stall. I would complete my business without touching the walls or toilet seats, extricate the toilet paper from the dispenser without touching the dispenser AND remove the first two squares that may have been touched by previous user. If it wasn’t an auto-flush (thank GOD for innovation) I would use my shoe covered foot to hit the flush button/handle. I would then use more toilet paper or handy wipes to exit the stall and turn on the faucet if it wasn’t an auto faucet. I would use my elbow to turn on the hand dryer or to dispense paper towel to dry my hands. Hopefully I was wearing long sleeves because if I wasn’t I would wash my elbows afterwards.

Lucky for me all these were just periods of obsessive neurotic behavior. Occasionally something new pops up or an old one raises its head but they are short lived. I know if you think about it, I am not alone, I hope.

The END.

If you have followed the blog posts on the storyteller you may have several questions including the following:

1. Why did I choose to blog about this “saga”?
   • Michelle Mills launched a personal attack on me based on an email response regarding one of her actions, this is how I chose to fight back.
   • Often persons advertise that they don’t care what others think, whether that’s truly how they feel no one knows until the stage changes. I’ve chosen to put on “exhibit” who Michelle Mills, Michieboo, is on a stage she’s probably never performed on before. The reveal and response may have no effect on her but at least I helped her stand on the virtual global stage. (No thanks necessary Michieboo).
   • I hope that the blog helps others to see that not all fights that begin in the gutter have to continue there. I am definitely not perfect and could have easily responded in the same manner as addressed but I CHOSE not to sink to her level but to elevate myself and still get my point across.
2. Based on how the episode progressed would I have responded differently in my first email?
   • Definitely not, my response would have been the same. The only thing I may have changed, and actually considered when I received her initial email, was that I may not have responded at all.
3. Am I angered or hurt by the verbal assault by the storyteller and her wagon riders?
   • I am angered and annoyed that someone who does not know me or my story personally would blindly attack and dissect my life the way Michelle Mills did. However I can identify ignorance and, as one blog reader puts it, stupidity and have decided to chalk it up as such.
4. What have I gained by blogging about this episode?
   • Personally I haven’t gained anything. Each post allowed me to exercise my analytical and writing skills, but that’s it. If anyone has anything to gain it’s Michelle Mills who now appears more frequently in results when Googled (using information she supplied in her emails to me and gained from our exchange) and will now be linked to this story and her original story in the virtual global media forever.

I know not everyone who read these episodes agree with my approach. I am sure their points are valid in their own right but it’s how I chose to deal with it. I could have continued an email exchange with Michelle Mills in the tone she set but I wouldn’t have felt the satisfaction I do now from helping her stand in the spotlight on the virtual stage.